It feels like an age since I last wrote, turns out it’s been less than a month so I am not sure what that says for the month of June?! It has been exceedingly long but has also gone in a flash?
It’s been an up and down month for me. Being back in therapy can put you through that “rollercoaster of emotions” people talk about. It’s been a good rollercoaster overall, despite those dreaded moments when you’re left hanging over the precipice just waiting for the drop. My heart has raced, palpitated and I’ve cried but I’ve had moments also where I felt free, excited and like I can do anything.
Not all these emotions can be attributed to my therapy, of course. Life has been throwing things in the way, such as unexpected setbacks, coming out of lockdown taking its toll and changes in relationship dynamics. For a while through this, I forgot myself. When I was upset that a friend stopped contacting me, I forgot my worth for a moment. When some things didn’t pan out at work the way I’d hoped, I felt stuck. When I have struggled with the aftermath of the last 16 months, I felt like I wasn’t making progress.
Instead of sitting in all that for too long, I started talking. I’ve opened up more with my other friends (rather than relying on one or two), family and myself. (Lord help me if anyone listens to my voice notes!) I’ve not been brought up in a way that talking feelings and being 100% honest about how I feel is easy for me, so this is new and I’m having to place a lot of trust in people and myself. I have friends I can talk to about work struggles, ones I can talk to about relationships, ones I can talk to about mental health and my therapy ‘journey’ with. My eggs are not in one basket, instead, I have a network of support. It means I don’t ‘need’ any one person, but rather, I have stronger relationships with those who I want in my life and equally who want me in theirs.
I realised I was seeing the setbacks and how I was feeling about various things as the moment before the drop. I was stuck at the top just dangling in my anxiety and fear. I wasn’t seeing them as the necessary twists and turns of the ride before the end destination where you get that hit of dopamine and rush of adrenaline.
The feelings haven’t just gone away with this revelation, of course. They will with time, but new things will come up, as is life. I’ll feel sad when people don’t want to engage with me after being a large aspect of my life. I’ll still feel disappointed when I don’t achieve something I wanted to as quickly as I wanted to in work. I’ll still have moments where I feel alone as a result of having been forced to spend a lot of time alone for the last 16 months. Now, however, I can try to remember my worth and remember that these are just the twists and turns of the ride. I will not give more energy than I’m getting from someone, because I’m worth more than that. I will use disappointments to drive my next action. I will use the loneliness to learn and do new things for myself (I know some of you saw my new tennis racket, art supplies and cycle helmet post on Instagram…!).
Overall, I have found a level of peace within myself and I am excited to see what July brings!