Picture the scene. It’s two in the morning. Storm Francis is ‘blowing a hooley’ as they say. I am stood watching it. I had just had a weird dream which had included an ex-partner of mine. Not a recent one, but one from about 12 years ago. He’d come to see me in hospital and brought my favourite coat with him, despite me saying he needn’t have come. This odd dream felt like it meant something (I believe dreams tell you an awful lot, if you take the opportunity to listen) and it got my night-time-chimp brain thinking. I say chimp brain because our human brain switches off at night to rest but our little chimp is rampant. Read the Chimp Paradox and you’ll know what I mean. It explains why it is night time that we think of every bad thing that’s happened, from that embarrassing moment in 2005 to anxiety about an up and coming meeting. Having said this, I think last night my chimp, Narissa, helped me figure something out. Let me explain.
I believe that in a previous blog I mentioned about having figured some things out, one being that I had figured out why I have chosen to date the men I have previously dated. What I had found at this stage was that I had attracted men into my life who didn’t push me in anyway to achieve what I could or can. They didn’t make me feel like I could do more or that I was worth more. They simply reinforced my belief that I was not worthy enough to get a better career or progress in life. Whilst this realisation was true, over the last couple of weeks I didn’t believe this was quite it. It teetered on what my ‘relationship blocker’ was, but I could still feel I hadn’t quite found it.
I am not surprised it was last night that I finally figured it out. Over the last few weeks, I have been making meditation a habit every day, and learning about how we attract what we think about. Meditation is a wonderful thing, which I would like to write more about at a later stage. Yesterday, I did a guided meditation which was for the purpose of removing emotion and energy blockers, and given I then worked out my relationship blocker last night, I can say it worked.
When I was younger, and didn’t understand why I felt bad all the time, I was desperate for help. I wanted someone to look at me, see I was in pain and help me. I had OSFED Bulimia for some years and I hoped someone would catch me and help me. I was used to feeling like people weren’t there for me, like no-one wanted to help me and I was, to be honest, just a terrible, unlovable person. When you’re asked, rhetorically, things like ‘Who would even want to look at you?’, you wonder exactly that. I will just say at this juncture I am not a victim or trying to portray myself as such. I didn’t speak up, sometimes it’s hard to, especially when you’re only 14. I never directly asked for help and never thought to question the negative things I was told about myself. So where did this feeling and belief lead me? You got it, to men who weren’t there for me in various ways. Men who were emotionally unavailable. Men who let me down when I needed them most. Men who confirmed my belief that I was not worthy of much, that I didn’t deserve their support or their time. Men who confirmed I couldn’t do or be better. When I did meet men who did believe in me, I wrote them off as being too good for me. The dream showed me that I had been allowing myself to believe that I wasn’t worthy of these guys showing up for me.
I am not blaming these men, it’s not for me to judge or fix them, it is my responsibility however, to look after myself. I was attracting them into my life despite us not being a good fit, because it was my pattern, it was the norm. The universe will always provide you with what you believe to be true. Even the latest man I dated initially came across a good fit for me, but over lock-down that façade quickly faded and he was, yup you guessed it, emotionally shut off and a gas-lighter. Now I know what my blockers have been and why, I can do more work to get rid of them. I feel amazing generally, it’s actually insane how just knowing your worth effects your mood and your day to day life. I feel light and it feels good to finally understand I am an amazing human being. I am going to continue to meditate to keep clearing these blockers and to help reinforce how worthy I am. If you’re in a similar boat and want to learn why you don’t feel enough, despite that fact you definitely are, I recommend Marisa Peer’s book ‘I Am Enough’.
‘You are enough. Not because you did or said or thought or brought or became or created something special, but because you always were.’ Marisa Peer.