I actually wondered whether it would be grammatically okay to start this with the word ‘ergh’. For someone with an English degree, my grammar is really quite appalling (technically it’s English Literature so I can read really well…). Answer? No. It’s not even a word, which is unfortunate considering it sums up so easily how I am feeling today.
After another night of cold sweats, dreams that were lucid at best, nightmarish at worst, and then finished off nicely with a cheeky nose bleed, I am feeling ‘ergh’. As I have mentioned before I am a dreamer, often remembering the weird and wonderful world of my brain at night and we all know changes in life and mood exacerbate dreaming. This week has been something different though. There have been nightmares, which whilst I get them on occasion I certainly haven’t dabbled with this great frequency in years. So why now? I wonder if it is because of a range of feelings about situations I’ve not yet addressed.
Have you ever felt something, known you haven’t felt quite right but couldn’t put your finger on it? You can feel the emotion and you know it isn’t a good one but there just doesn’t seem to be a name for it. As I glanced through social media this morning, I came across a perfectly timed short video on Simon Sinek’s page, which was about feelings. Something about feelings? Something with Simon Sinek? Of course, I was going to watch. It ties in with my last post about being able to sit in a feeling, even if it is a negative one. A lot of the time we struggle even to name how we feel and sometimes that can be because we don’t want to admit how we feel. We don’t want to admit we are sad, angry, scared or lonely.
Apparently, when asked how we are, we can go into describing our behaviours (‘I’m not myself, I’m unmotivated’) or how we aren’t feeling (‘It’s not that I’m sad but…’) but not how we are actually feeling. It’s important to find a word for how we are feeling so we can deal with it, so we can learn to be with it. Give yourself permission to feel that way. So, this got me thinking about my ‘ergh’. I sat for a couple minutes and just tried to think and feel what ‘ergh’ means to me right now, what of the 27 categories of emotion summed it up? I found I am a bit angry; disappointed, frustrated, lonely and envious yet I have happiness in there. What a mix! Now I understand what my feelings are and have put names to them I can work on feeling them and dealing with them. The suggestion was to give yourself a time frame, anything from two minutes to feel how you’re feeling. You can even use a timer. You can even delay it to a time later on in the day, whatever suits you.
I stress that if you are one of us who has often described ourselves as ‘not very good at feelings’, it’s just because you’re out of practice. I wasn’t brought up in an environment where emotions and feelings were outwardly expressed so that’s why I am having to start my practice as an adult. I’ve said before that I am going to be honest with people about how I feel, not just saying that I am fine, but even this is work. Yesterday I told someone I was simply okay. I was feeling happy and I didn’t express that? It just shows that it’s just as hard to express and feel positive emotions sometimes as much as it is to express and feel the negative ones. If you are feeling something, that means it’s valid, even if your brain is telling you it’s not. How we are feeling is one thing, how we react is another.
I am off to go deal with these feelings and I hope you all have a very happy weekend!
Last note – don’t you just love the photo at the top? Norfolk is so bloody lovely even I can take a good photo of it.