I got asked earlier today what today’s “Sunday sass” would be. Sunday sass is a little thing I do on social media based around all things mental health. I just drop a little info and run basically!
In regards to Sunday sass, my reasonings for not having gotten one planned was that I have gone back for a few sessions of therapy, as I have previously mentioned on here. Therapy has been blowing my mind. It’s validation of how I feel, how I am as a person and the realisations of what has caused my various insecurities as well as creating the tools to deal with those.
A big thing for me is my therapist reiterates; “it is not your fault, our brains play all sorts of tricks on us”. Which is incredibly true. In a moment of a panic attack or mini mental breakdown, your rational brain and emotional brain completely disconnect, and it’s your emotional brain that takes control.
Therapy is amazing, and on a weekly basis I come out feeling emotionally battered but also lighter at the same time. But, it doesn’t come without it’s difficulties, the days after can be emotionally draining. Much like last year when I figured I hadn’t dealt with my brain haemorrhage, when you have a sudden surge of emotions to deal with, there are aftershocks. There are relapses. The old you creeps back in through habit, fear and from being lost in this new world.
I realised this today. The things that are going on in my life being amalgamated with the things I am working through in therapy, have allowed the person I am most terrified of, Old Leah, to creep back in some elements of my life. She’s scared, lost and doesn’t know what to do about how she feels. She wants to talk to and rely on people who aren’t emotionally available. She wants more from people then they can and want to give.
My therapist made me awkwardly laugh by saying “it is not a wonder you have such bad anxiety” when I have relayed my stories. But after a mind-clearing run earlier, I came to realise that it’s okay for Old Leah to creep in because it’s the stuff that happened to Old Leah that I am working through, and the New Leah is now banking the tools to have a healthier brain and healthier relationships. This does mean, though, having to take a step back from things I don’t necessarily want to because they are Old Leah’s go to moves, things, people and stuff.
I am making such great progress in becoming who I want to be, I still need a bit more self-compassion, but I am getting there. My therapist is wonderful in telling me what I have done well, and in the subject context, it is something I have only ever been criticised for and never praised so it’s a weird and happy feeling. I need to work out where things and people fit in my life, if they still fit, and maybe they don’t. I am changing for me, for my relationships and sometimes those changes will still not be enough for people. But once I have learnt, fully, that I am enough for myself, then even those who don’t think I am good enough for them won’t phase me anymore, new or old.
Happy Sunday everyone!