I have touched on this subject before, the whole idea of space from people, work and things as and when you need it.
Nowadays I am very good at knowing what I need, when I need it. If I need a couple of days off from work because I am getting overwhelmed and burnt out, I ask for time off. When I am physically burnt out, I have a day off from the gym. And how am I right now? Well, one person has made me more emotionally burnt out than I have ever felt.
I love this person, and over the years I have strived to give them everything. We are like moths to a flame with each other, or were. Unfortunately, despite being warned by, well, a lot of people, I carried on engaging with this person. I carried on being there when they asked me to be, and really felt that we were getting back on track and that our flame would be fully rekindled eventually. Instead, I have been burned.
I have always been honest with my ‘failings’, as I see them, in relationships in particular. Due to certain issues, when I am down, I desperately want someone with me (usually the person I am in love with, I’m sure we are all the same on that one). However, as reasonable as this may sound, if this person doesn’t guess what I want or they aren’t available to help me that very moment, I get hurt and it feels as though they don’t care. I know this is ridiculous. It’s my worst trait as I then hit out and tell them how I know they don’t care how I know they hate me and so on.
Now this is something I am working on, I’ve finally found all the right tools I need to do it, and I am doing a fantastic job with it, if I do say so myself. I am so excited to crack this, I honestly cannot tell you. Unfortunately, I am too late for this person, as always seems to be the case. I slipped a couple of weeks ago, and now they do not want me anymore, and have even moved on with someone else within a matter of three weeks.
This probably sounds fair enough to you. I allowed my old self to rear its ugly head, shoving them into the flame as I went, so why would they want me? Why wouldn’t they find someone else? Yes, it is painful for me, but such is life. What’s worse though is this person still professes to love me ‘more than anyone else’ and care about me ‘more than you’ll ever know’. If that’s the case, why didn’t I get a heads up about them moving on? Instead, I was made to look a fool with mutual friends as they all knew about it. If they care about me more than anyone else, why were they so cruel and cold when I spoke to them last about it all?
They wanted to be friends. They are moving on but still want me in their life. This is where I had to make a decision for me. I cannot be friends with someone I love, watching them fall for someone else. I deserve more than that, and they were selfish for assuming that’s what would happen. I said no. I won’t have them in my life. I’ll have to see them around as we go to the same gym, but I told them not to seek me out for a conversation. They are toxic to me right now, and someone who truly cares about you won’t say and do the things that this person has done. I now realise they have been holding me back. They have held me back by consistently telling me how I would react to certain situations when I know that’s not the case because that’s not me anymore. They simply didn’t give me a chance to be who I am now. I want to end the pattern and I can’t do that with someone putting words in my mouth. I am not who I was, and how can you move forward and improve yourself if you are constantly being tarred with the same old brush you are trying to get away from?
I’m posting this, partially to hold myself to account. I can’t go back on this, and let them back in my life. I will not get held back anymore. I will not be made to feel that I am not good enough anymore. I will not be tarred with that ‘old me’ brush anymore. So, I’m blowing out that flame I have been so drawn to for the last few years, freeing myself of the toxicity and moving on. It won’t be easy, but I love and respect myself now and I know I deserve so much more. The last couple of days, my friends, my family and my work mates have been amazing, so I know I have wonderful people who care about me and want to support me in this final stage of Leah 2.0!