Intimidating or Intimidated?

 

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So, there are a million things going through my mind or have been over the last couple of weeks. I really, genuinely feel a completely different person to who I was last year, 6 months ago or even only a month ago. When I think about how I was back in April this year, I can really see how far I have come, and how much I have learnt.

I genuinely have a much happier, more positive outlook. Things haven’t gone particularly well this last week, a broken boiler, Clarion housing being awful as usual, money worries and a cold I have been clinging onto for weeks now to name a few issues. However, I am not down about any of this. I have money management plans in place and I have done everything in my power in regards to the housing company so there’s no point stressing myself out about it.

I have come so far. I recognise how I am feeling, whether it’s positive or negative, I can tell when I am avoiding issues and letting them build up and as a result tackle them before it gets too much. If I don’t have anyone bar my cat (who, frankly, is a terrible listener) to hand to talk things through with at a time when I need it, I record myself. I know it sounds silly, but voicing things out loud really helps. You get outside that echo chamber of your mind and realise how logical or illogical things you’re thinking or feeling really are.

Talking through things with friends, it has really shown me how important it is to concentrate on your now, rather than what is to come or what has passed. Before, I spent a lot of time dreaming about a future that is no longer a possibility. I didn’t appreciate what I had when I had it. Now, however, I recognise daily what I have and what I am grateful for. I make sure there are three things a day I recognise that I am grateful for and three things I love about myself.

I love learning about psychology and I now love feelings as I actually understand them and know how to process them properly. Don’t get me wrong, it’s going to be a constant learning curve for the rest of my life, I am not perfect, never will be and don’t want to be, but this week, I have found I have “enjoyed” the more negative things I have felt. I’ll expand. I haven’t enjoyed the bubbling anger I felt at the housing company, that soon ebbed anyway – but I am almost ashamed to admit, I have been missing that person whom I have mentioned with such frequency in this blog. Whilst missing someone isn’t fun, particularly when you know you shouldn’t, I have embraced it. I have allowed myself to feel it. They may not have appreciated it, but I am happy that I felt such love for someone which is the cause of my missing them now. I am human, I am imperfect and I am 100% fine with that.

Further to my missing them, I have forgiven them. I haven’t had an apology or so much as a conversation with them since it all blew up – but I have forgiven them none the less. I have forgiven them for my sake, not theirs. I felt so angry and hurt, but I think I understand why they said what they said and I forgive them. I’ve let the situation go and I have learnt from my part in it.

The last thing I have come to realise is the title of this blog. I think it was an Instagram post that I saw where someone had said they found someone else intimidating, to which a third party replied ‘Are they intimidating or are you intimidated?’ I don’t usually find inspiration in an Instagram post, but this one really hit me. I have spent a lot of time finding certain people ‘intimidating’, and just turning it around and realising it is all on me – I am intimated, they are just normal human beings. This realisation alone has turned my opinion of a few people around completely. I was a harsh critic because I was jealous and intimidated. I was projecting my issues onto them.

I have a couple of projects on the go which I will let you all know about once I have them a bit more organised, some exciting things coming up and my ultimate goal is to help people, as I have said before. 6 months ago I was at the bottom of a pit that I have had to fight and claw my way out of. I want to help others down there see the sunlight that I am seeing. Future posts will be less about me (sigh of relief all round) and more about what I have learnt, things that I think can help people, however they need help.

Annoyingly, I just wish I could tell all this and more to that person. I just know this is what they wanted to see from me all along. Ultimately, this is for me, not for them and that’s what I have to remember in those moments when I miss them. Time to write an assignment, so until next time!

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