A Tolerable Existence

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At the point of starting to write this I am in London, sat awaiting the course leader on day three of my GDPR practitioner course. It’s Mental Health awareness day. It’s an important day, although I always question reducing awareness to a day, week or a month. One thing I want to pursue is mental health awareness all year round, which is part of the reason for my learning of psychology and NLP.

It’s been an interesting couple of weeks. There have been mostly good things happen and I am feeling very grateful for all the things I have, all the people who are in my life and where I am at in my life as the dreaded 30th birthday looms closer. Many of you will have seen, and have messaged me about the good news I got at the start of the week. The thing that has been hanging over me for 6 years is over. My (somewhat stubborn) Arteriovenous Malformation has now been obliterated. This means a lot for me. It’s the end of a scary 6 years. I am no longer in danger of having another brain haemorrhage, I no longer have to have angiograms on a yearly basis which in themselves are a horrible, invasive experience, and I can finally draw a line underneath the experience that up to the point where they started plying me with Morphine I remember vividly. I will always be grateful to the NHS, my family and of course, my best friend and housemate of the time who helped me, called an ambulance, called my parents and stayed at the hospital that night. I am grateful to my ex who at the time took me to several appointments and drove me and my parents to Sheffield where I had my brain surgery.

As well as this epically good news, I have a lot of good things going on. I am loving my new job which is giving me a lot of new opportunities, new learning experiences and is a lovely place to work. And that’s only within the first 8 weeks. I am looking forward to see what else I can learn in the coming weeks, months and years. I’m even learning ‘silly’ things like how to network, or how to manipulate a spreadsheet for the purpose of analytics. (I say silly as I’m sure these are things most people can already do!) As I said at the start of this I am currently learning data protection which is an excellent thing to get to learn about. It’s a really exciting place to be for someone who has always wanted a career, not ‘just a job’.

On top of this, of course, is my home learning. I have a couple of goals set for the future in regards to mental health and therapy. I will carry on with this blog. I enjoy writing, and as long as I have a single person reading it, enjoying it or connecting with it on some level, that to me makes it all worth it. I am working on getting the confidence up to do more vlogging as well, as I think that’s a good personal touch for shorter things I want to discuss and get off my chest or talk through with people. All this is further aided by my learning of psychology and eventually, NLP. Hopefully I will have a much vaster knowledge base with which to help others in the long run.

These are all the good things that have happened, on top of catching up with friends whilst I have been in London and so on. There is a negative thing which happened as well. Unsurprisingly, it involves the man I have mentioned so many times since beginning this blog. I haven’t seen him for weeks, and we haven’t said a word to each other in a week, and we have blocked each other on all social platforms as well as phone numbers. I cannot speak for him, I have no idea how he feels about it, but I don’t feel great. There is some anger. He went from telling me that he still loved and cared for me to the following day telling me that I am nuts but that he will ‘tolerate my existence’. I have said some really shit things in my time, and you’ll all know I will be the first to put my hand up that I have my moments where I am not pleasant. I have, however, not once insinuated that the world would be a better place without him. By saying this he was reducing me to someone who is worthless and to be put up with, rather than worthy of love and compassion. He also said some other things which were spiteful at best, extremely hurtful and damaging at worst, but it is the ‘tolerate your existence’ which are the words that still ring in my ears. Despite this, with everything which has gone on in the last few weeks, and having blocked his number, I have checked my voicemail tab a couple times in the hope that he’s heard my good news and wants to congratulate me or apologise for what he said last week. I know this is a pointless hope and a closure I will not get. It’s a tough thing to accept.

I will feel sad about this for some time, I know this. When the person you loved the most in the world would prefer you not to exist, that hurts. A lot. But do you know what? I am going to make this existence more than a tolerable one. I have amazing people in my life; some of my friends are such inspirational and strong women who I am so proud to know. I have an amazing career in the making, and goals to reach. I am excited and overall, I am happy. I realised the other week how, when I am in a relationship I remove all responsibility for my own happiness from myself onto my partner. This, I also realised, is massively problematic, unfair on them and put massive strain on us both. I have lost myself in every single relationship I have had. Next time I am with someone I will remember this, I will carry on looking after my own happiness – it’s my sole responsibility, no-one else’s.

I know this is a long one, so thank you for reading. I really do appreciate people taking time out to read my ramblings!

I am excited for the new chapter. I can draw a line under the last 6 years and really start afresh now. Let’s go!

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