What are you striving for?


brown book page
Photo by Wendy van Zyl on Pexels.com

I know I have done a load of blogs lately, and if you’re actually still reading them then I applaud you. I’ve just been working through a lot of things in my mind – in particular, how to learn from each of the events or happenings. I find that writing about them helps – and I hope that it continues to help those of you reading it know that you’re not alone, as many people have messaged me to share their experiences, and support, which is amazing. It may also have to do with the fact I don’t like not talking now! A monster has been created. These will begin to dwindle I suspect as I will be taking on studies – I’m going to start learning psychology to see if I can make a bigger impact with helping people.

But I digress. I’ve been thinking a lot the last few days about relationships, both romantic and platonic. You’ll know from the last blog that my best friend whom I loved more than anything, is no longer my best friend. It didn’t end as amicably as I wanted, and I won’t go into details as, even though I know he will not read this, it wouldn’t be fair of me to divulge what happened between us in depth on this occasion. All I will say is that he was angry with me, probably still is, and we haven’t engaged.

So, in this relationship, more so than I’ve ever done in others and in the last few months especially, I have really embraced working on my mental health, self-knowledge and improvement. I will make it clear that this was and is, for me. But I would be lying if I said it had nothing to do with him. He made me want to strive to be a better person, for me, for him and for us. However, now that relationship is nothing but ashes in the wind, I will continue to strive, and I want to keep looking at this relationship, and others that I have had, to learn from them. I still want to be a better person, for me and my future.

So, thinking about this, I got digging. Some conversations happened naturally, others were on the basis of me asking outright, but I’ve had a few people share their ‘crazy’ love and relationship stories. The thing that it made me realise is that when I got anxious or upset about things with him, a lot of the time they were really not important. I took a lot of things too seriously, as did he. I never wanted to argue, but it’s too late now.

What are the lessons I am taking forward from this? I won’t be so serious. I know my worth, I know my boundaries and won’t let people abuse that in future, but I need to relax when I am in a relationship, there’s always good and bad, but I can’t live in the bad anymore. It is way too tiring. I was just seeking out the negativity. I kept trying to find things wrong to pick at. I have also learnt that to try and fix something when someone is angry with you is counter-productive. Me ‘obsessively’ nagging at him to try to fix things didn’t make him any less angry. It only resulted in me getting hurt. From now I will give people the space they need, and let them come to me when they are ready.

I have and will learn a lot from the times I spent with this man, whether it was as friends or otherwise. There’s a lot I am thankful for, and some moments that I regret, but it does take two to tango. I will continue to look inside and learn from my mistakes, but I also know it wasn’t all down to me so will not take that all on my shoulders or it’ll cripple me. I only hope he learns from his.

For now, I am excited to start my course, to read the books I have gotten from The School of Life and getting to learn more academically as well as on a personal level. Work and things in general are going great. One day I will find someone who wants and loves me for me, even if I am still a work in progress. I am happy being a work in progress, because after all, if you’re not a work in progress, then what are you striving for?

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