I just had a friend ‘break-up’. Over the phone and no less heartbreaking than a relationship break-up, because to me, that’s exactly what it was.
I’ll rewind a little. You’ve probably noticed I don’t use names, no matter who I am talking about in this blog, but when I have mentioned someone, for a lot of the blogs, it’s been him. (Most of you will have known this anyway). The man I have wanted every moment of the last 2 years, 6 months and oh, 18 days. I have fought tooth and nail to be with him, however I could. I followed his lead, didn’t dare speak the truth about what I wanted because the thought of him not being in my life was (and is) terrifying. But here we are. The end.
This friend break-up occurred because I overshared. I thought we were at a point where I could tell him exactly what I felt, be open, honest and just talk. We have grown so much over the last 2 years, 6 months and 18 days, both together and independently. We both take self-progression and improvement seriously, and I loved that we could talk about it and different techniques, books and so forth. Turns out, what I haven’t learnt is that you need to filter what you’re honest with. Apparently, there is such a thing as being too honest. So, this lead on to what I felt was him ignoring me, I would have liked an ‘I can’t discuss this now but let’s meet up at some point and talk’ but no, just silence.
I don’t deal with silence or being ignored well. I go crazy. I go full on texting, calling and just completely freak out. (Another lesson to take from this is to learn not to do this, I don’t know how but I need to learn.) This didn’t sit well with him either, understandably. So, we have argued. Again. Just when at the start of this week I thought we’d have a really good solid base to work on through together. It was when he told me that at the start of this week he had really felt we could make it. As friends. That’s when it hit me. That’s the moment I realised this man does not love me as I do him. We want different things. He just wanted a friend. I wanted my best friend to be the one I marry one day. Can’t get much more poles apart than that, can you?
So, we’ve broken up as friends. Maybe I should have been honest with him sooner that I wanted to be with him, even after all we’ve been through, but I thought he knew. No matter what happened I always saw the light at the end of the tunnel, we’d carry on working on our problems both individually and together and then we’d, you know. Get married. The fantasies and dreams you have sometimes do seem somewhat ridiculous when you look back on them. On my travels today, I have been listening to Sia, because she’s just glorious. My favourite track has always been Fire Meet Gasoline and it seems an appropriate fit lyrically for what I wanted from this man, hence it is the blog’s title. I’ll save you from me writing any lyrics out seeing as I am no longer an angsty teen (just an angsty near-30-year-old), but have a read and/or a listen if you get a moment and you’ll see what I mean.
It’s now on my to-do list to learn what honesty people want, and what they don’t, seeing as I am not very good at establishing that so far. Honesty is evidently not always the best policy. I need to get the balance right. Talking to people is a good thing, sharing is a good thing and being honest is a good thing, but I need to take a step back and make sure I am aware of the repercussions before I speak next time. I’ve had a couple of really good conversations this weekend so I don’t want to feel my work of the last 5 months has been undone because of this weekend’s slip. I also will work on respecting people when they don’t want to talk to me without freaking out and getting obsessive. I’m getting there but there is always work to do.
Firstly, though, I need to give myself time to be upset that mine and my best friend’s flame went out. Turns out even gasoline can’t keep it burning forever, no matter how much you try to keep it going.