Flog or Revive?

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I am not allowed to drive this weekend, so I have been at home for the most part, which with the new series of Bojack Horseman having come out on Netflix, isn’t too bad of a thing. From the moment I started watching this show from the first series I fell in love with it. It hits every emotional nerve you have, and call me stupid, but you connect with so many of these visually ridiculous characters because of the depth of writing, it’s honestly an incredible show.

But, I am not here to solely rave about the quality of Bojack Horseman to you. There is a couple of things I wanted to write about. The first of which is to explain why I can’t drive this weekend. I had my (fingers crossed) final angiogram on Friday. It wasn’t exactly a smooth ride as I bled more than normal, thus making the bruising more uncomfortable and recovery process longer. I also decided to react badly to the dye they used causing some concern amongst the medical staff but thankfully it wore off after some time. It was a hard day, and I now have the emotional wait for the results. If I get the all clear then it means the last 6 years of my life finally comes to a much needed conclusion. This is something that has hung over me for all that time, whether I processed it properly or not. I just can’t wait to celebrate when it’s all over. Fingers crossed. One silver lining I suppose, is they have asked if they can use my scans as case studies. I will be an example to medical students of what a stubborn AVM is like. At least I may be helpful!

My parents drove me, as they have done for each of my angiograms, taking a day of their holiday at work to make sure I was as okay as I could be throughout this process. It has taken its toll on them too, so I am eternally grateful that they have done that for me. I am also grateful for my best friend who stayed with me on Friday night. She brought me a Burger King, which we ate whilst watching documentaries in our cardboard crowns. It’s the simple act of her taking the time to be there with me, even though I napped mostly, that I really appreciate. I have many people I want to thank, and that’ll be something that I will do once this ordeal is finally over.

Rolling on from this, is my frustrations at not feeling like I am able to move forward. I am now a completely different person from who I was April/May time. I will continue to work on myself and that will never change. I will continue to ‘improve’ and become the person I want to be. However, I’ve had some instances recently where it feels like some people will not allow it. They constantly frame their reactions to what I do and say on the basis of who I was months ago, not who I am now. I don’t feel I am being given the chance to move forward because their reactions then do invoke the ‘old’ me. Thankfully I can see that I am getting better at not reacting to their negative view of me, but I’m still not there quite yet. The worse thing is when it’s done over text, which allows them to feed into their negative vision of you more so because they can’t see or hear your actual intentions.

My question to you is this. Do you continue to try prove to yourself and others that you are different, that you aren’t the ‘bad’ person you were months ago, when they keep throwing it to you that you aren’t as different as you think you are? Do you keep trying to have the conversation in person that never seems to happen to try salvage what you think you want? Do you have the conversation? Do you have space away? Or do you let go and decide that maybe, you just won’t grow together? That maybe you’re growing and learning about yourselves at different speeds and may never end up on that same page that you’ve been hoping, relying even, on landing on together? Are you just flogging that dead horse rather than reviving it?

I have fought to get to that page for a while. I have wanted it more than anything. I just wanted to work as a team and run the race together, but maybe the horse isn’t going anywhere. If someone just looks at you and it causes them anxiety because they can’t see you for who you are, only for who you were at your worst, then I don’t know how to fix that.

One of my all time favourite Bojack quotes is this; “It’s never too late to be the person you want to be. You need to choose the life you want.” And I believe that. I am becoming the person I want to be. I don’t want to be the person I was back in April/May. I don’t want to be the person I was last year or the year before that. I want to be this person who is growing, learning and fighting every day to be able to look in the mirror, and be proud of every inch of myself. That is who I am, whether others see it or not.

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