It’s Not Like the Movies


I wish life was like the movies. I don’t mean movies like the Human Centipede, which makes me wonder about the mental stability of the creator and the viewers alike, but more like the movies my Mum likes to watch. The kinds that me, my Dad and Brother like to call the ‘tacky crappy movies’.

They are fairly standard across the board in terms of plot. Woman has some form of life disaster, such as a loss of a loved one or the loss of a job. Woman gets thrown into a situation that to start with, seems impossible. Woman meets man, they don’t get along, they have misunderstandings. Woman begins to thrive in the situation she was thrown into. Woman and man get over misunderstandings, fall in love and get married after not knowing each other for very long. Successful woman gets an attractive man whilst learning a few life lessons which she immediately takes on board and all is happily ever after.

Life is less like this and a bit more like the Human Centipede – trying to survive without taking on anyone else’s shit.

I wish life was like the tacky crappy movies. In real life, people misunderstand each other to the point where you don’t feel you can ever go back. Misunderstandings and not saying how we truly feel or what we really mean can cause massive fall outs. Talking with a friend this evening and he said quite perfectly that life would be much simpler if we all just said what we meant and said what we want.

My friend isn’t the first to voice his frustrations to me that people don’t just say what they want. How many opportunities, experiences or things have we missed out on because we simply did not say what we wanted? Whether it’s the last cinnamon roll, the love of our lives or that job opportunity, if we don’t speak up, we don’t get. Being explicit about what we want at least gives a fighting chance of getting it.

Part of the battle, of course, is actually figuring out what we want or how we feel. This is where I am somewhat lacking in skill, I’m very good at figuring stuff out, but only in hindsight. I am not like the woman in the movie who gets the life lesson and has it sussed in one quick montage. I like to make a mistake several times over before learning from it, if I ever do. I also never tell people what I want, apart from, you know, in hindsight.

There are various things I want. I want to be successful in my career. I want to have a nice ‘Grand-Design’ worthy house with a garden and lots of large windows and open space. I want to be with the love of my life until we get old, and embarrass our younger family members by talking about sex explicitly at the Christmas dinner table. I want enough money that I can keep purchasing things from Ted Baker. I want to get the hang of this self-improvement and self-esteem issue quicker than I am currently doing. I want to tell people what I want, when I want it. I want people to tell me what they want, when they want it. I don’t want people to beat around the bush, (no, I am not referring back to the Human Centipede), just say what you want or how you feel right then and there.

I know life is not like the movies. Life is a lot messier, more surprising and worse, whenever I have started dancing in the street, not one person from the nearby café has ever joined in with the routine. But, this is my proposal – for me and for you. We need to remember we are the star in our own life movie. We all have our shit to swallow, and that’s okay, but let’s start being honest. Let’s start saying exactly what we mean. Let’s start telling people what we actually want. I genuinely believe life will be a little easier if we just breathe, count down from 5 and just -say it-. Whatever your ‘it’ is. This is my goal, no matter how much I fear the response, ripping a plaster off has got to be better than some of the awful situations I’ve put myself in recently, just because I didn’t say how I felt or what I wanted. So, if this is something you struggle with too, then join me in my quest for a lighter, more honest life movie, and let me know how it goes. We can help each other.

Bet you never thought I’d write a blog comparing the Human Centipede to your life, did you? You’re welcome.

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