A plan didn’t turn out how I envisioned and I got upset. I made plans with someone thinking we’d make a long day/evening of it, and because I’d made an assumption based on my own expectations, I ended up disappointed as they had other plans. I hadn’t checked with them on the plan in my head and it was different to the one in theirs. I got upset because of my own unrealistic expectation and made the situation a hassle, when I could have just said what I had wanted to do. The thing was, I felt stupid so I didn’t want to talk to them about it. I slipped into taking it personally that they’d already gotten other plans, and would only be able to spend a fraction of the time with me that I’d wanted from them. I felt stupid that I’d gotten excited about this idea in my head and that it wasn’t going to happen. I once again got ahead of myself and the shame I felt caused difficulties – leaving me being referred to as ‘unreasonable’ and ‘selfish’ by this person (which is fair enough) when all I’d wanted is a good time with them.
I’m disappointed in myself. I was doing so well, I don’t feel even remotely similar to the person who started this blog, but during that moment, I was back to being that person. I didn’t sleep for thinking it through, reflecting on why I had felt that way and what had led to the slip. I got it all figured out, but at the expense of any sleep. At least I can work on it now, but in my sleep deprivation I’m struggling with being kind to myself and struggling with accepting that slips and mistakes happen. I know I have done so well so far and tomorrow is another day.
Tomorrow being another day nicely rolls into what I originally wanted to say in this post. The other day I got thinking about how much difference a day makes and how a short conversation can make you realise things. I’ve had a lot of conversations with people, and as I have touched on in other posts, people are struggling too and we don’t realise. There are a number of people who I used to use as confirmations of my misery. In that I saw their lives as perfect, everything came easily to them and my perception of their lives fed into my negativity and discontent. I was putting my desire for perfectionism on others. In conversations with these people, or friends of, I am seeing the issues they are having and have faced. Their lives aren’t panning out as easily as I perceived. They have to work just as hard as I do.
I was jealous of the ‘ease’ these people had in regards to work and careers, mainly. I am very proud to say I have recently gotten a new role that I start in a couple of weeks, but my reflection on this made me see how work had affected me outside of it. I won’t speak ill of the role I have been in, but unfortunately due to certain internal circumstances, there hasn’t been as much opportunity for proactivity as I would have liked, nor as much work as I would have liked. If you know me, you know my boredom threshold is about 7 minutes. So I have been bored, frustrated, and discontent. And where did I put this frustration and boredom? You guessed it – I put it onto the lap of my partner at the time. I was texting him loads, worrying about whether he cared, dwelling on things, all due to the monotony, then getting more frustrated because he wasn’t responding as he was actually just busy, and, well, you know what happened from there.
For all my self-reflection and self-awareness I have now, this was a recent realisation. I didn’t realise just how dissatisfied I was and how this contributed massively to my relationship outside. When the relationship should have been the bit I looked forward to after the day or week. I should have been grateful for what I have had in this role (and there have been many benefits), I should been grateful for the things I had outside of it (my relationship, family, friends, my own house, my dickhead of a cat) and I should have been proud of my proactivity when it came to looking for a way to move myself forward. It is only once I was out of the obsessive, frustrated mindset that I got interviews, feedback and worked my way into the new opportunity I have. I am not someone who sits back, complains and then does nothing about it.
After my initial moping about my slip up yesterday, I know I can’t let it put my hard work of 3 months back. Sure, it is frustrating, but I need to use that frustration to carry on and as a motivator to keep going.
Oh well, I did say Grit would be slippery. Onwards!