This is going to sound weird. But, forget my last posts. Or, at least, take them as me thinking out loud, just organising my thoughts to get to this point.
A couple of weeks ago, I said how I’d hit rock bottom, and some of the following I will write now was alluded to in that post. Since then, I’ve been scrabbling around chaotically in the dark, trying to figure out where I am and how to get up, let alone trying to get out. All I have been doing is hitting out at the walls around me and I made the chaos worse. So much worse.
Yesterday, I realised I’ve been having a breakdown. Yes, once again I am late to the party, having missed that bloody boat I have been so desperate to get on for so long. The last two weeks have been a chaotic hell in my head that I’ve had no idea how to cope with and still didn’t really understand. I took it out on the person who I love more than anything in this world and to an extent, took them down with me. It should have been us working together to help each other through equally difficult months, but I did it wrong. I could only see my difficulties, not theirs; I should have known they were close to breakdown as well. I should have helped. They were taking a massive leap in life and I made it more difficult. I still believe we need each other, but I digress and they probably disagree. In doing some reflection on this, I figure I have been due for this breakdown since having my brain haemorrhage in 2012. I’ve had some ‘crazy’ moments since then, which some of you have been privy to, but I have never been so burnt out internally as I am now and have been these last two weeks.
Over the last few years I have been febrezing (I’m getting good use out of this analogy!) the problems, I’ve been using metaphorical duct tape to cover the cracks that had been getting worse. I hadn’t dealt with my haemorrhage and how traumatic it was (especially as it wasn’t long after my brother passed away); I hadn’t dealt with my self-esteem and merely acted in ways that made it worse and reinforced it. A few months ago it was made apparent to me I hadn’t dealt emotionally with the haemorrhage and that I just wrote it off as nothing whilst doing my anxious habit of playing with the ring I wear on my right ring finger. (So there’s a fun fact, if you see me doing that I’m probably anxious or bored).
I believe this was the start of my full breakdown. Bringing up these feelings that I hadn’t dealt with, not knowing what to do with them and knowing how my brain works, it created other ‘problems’ that didn’t exist so I didn’t have to deal with the real issues. This is where the self-esteem and the fall out there after comes in. The self-esteem problem is one I have had for a very long time, it’s been imbedded in me for years, and it decided to come back out to play when I just couldn’t deal with having to resolve this issue that’s been lying stagnant for 6 years.
I think it was February that this was brought to my attention. Unfortunately, it’s another case of I should have sought help properly then. I should have talked more about it then. So whilst I’m years overdue this breakdown, I really believe that it’s been properly in motion for the last 3 months and has now, finally happened. As I said before, I hit rock bottom, and it needed to happen but now I have a bit of clarity amongst the chaos. I have never been so emotionally exhausted.
At least now I finally understand it, I get what has happened, why it’s happened and now I can fully make the steps I need to get out. I don’t know how many more epiphanies I have to come but I feel like I have reached it with this one. I am inexplicably tired, but I have to do this.