I have gone back and forth about getting this post out. It’s a different kind of post and normal service will be resumed next week! It feels more personal than anything else I have written as I suppose it’s where most of my feelings lie at the moment, but I’ll try explain how it’s difficult for me as I go.
Two and a half years ago I met a wonderful man who saw so much more in me than I could. I was hooked the second I met him and not a moment later. I’ve been crazy about him ever since, irrelevant to any other man I’ve been on dates with.
He had flaws, he was by no means perfect – he couldn’t butter toast properly for a start. Plus no-one really likes Israeli trance music, so stop being silly. But there was so much I loved about him. He was intelligent, funny, and he’d been through hell and I was proud of him and I know others who aren’t around anymore who would be as well. Best of all, he was the perfect height that when we hugged I just fit nicely into him, we were like two little blonde puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together.
But my puzzle piece went missing. I just have this empty gap next to me where it should be. I’m still sceptical about writing this as I am a strong-willed, independent and stubborn person. To feel as badly as I do seems like such a weakness, feels pathetic even. But I hurt more than I thought possible. I thought I’d marry this man. When I pictured getting married, it was always his face I saw beside me. When I pictured any future at all, he was in it. I cannot fathom my life without him being in it.
The thing that makes it worse is that it is my fault he doesn’t want me anymore. My self-esteem made life difficult for him as I questioned why he was with me, started arguments I never meant to and was just in a vicious negative cycle, as I’ve said in previous posts. I wrecked the one good thing that I wanted more than anything.
What I wanted most of all was to find that puzzle piece and put it back where it belonged, next to mine, integrated with mine. I will never not regret losing him and Ill never not be sorry for royally fucking up the thing that was the most important to me.
Whilst this is going on I am just keeping my mind as busy as possible, staying as busy as possible. I’m still working on my self-esteem of course and looking forward to my therapist being back from holiday so we can get back on track with that this week. I’m optimistic that I’ll get myself sorted and have already made headway with it, I’m excited to feel good about myself. I just wish I could feel good about myself and be with my ‘one’ as well. That’s all I ever wanted.