Thanks for joining me!
This is my first official blog post. Information on why I am doing this is on my ‘About’ page.
I have come to a massive realisation this week. Not one that has or will come as a surprise to many others who know me, but I am a little slow on the uptake at times. I have extremely low self-esteem.
I am not new to the game of self-improvement and self-help, or even guided help. I have used some wonderful services based in Norfolk that have helped me with depression and learning CBT. But I would, after a little while, slip back into old habits, despite knowing exactly what actions to take.
In short, I have been Febrezing my mental health (ahh, that explains her blog title). I’ve been eliminating the outcomes of the self-esteem problem but not facing the actual issue itself. I have had a wonderful person in my life whom I have now lost at the level within which I wanted them, as my partner. This wonderful human who has been in my life for a couple of years, took the time to look at me and get to know me well and they knew exactly what was wrong. They tried to tell me, tried to help me but self-esteem would not let me open the door. They were knocking so hard and I just wouldn’t let them in, and now, there’s no more knocking. Just silence.
Despite these offers of help, I’ve still always looked at the depression and anxiety leaflets, looking at the symptoms, and whilst once they may have been a good fit, they just didn’t quite fit anymore. Sure, I get a panic attack here and there, I get tired and anxious. You know, the classics. Then, this week, I had my moment. That ‘click’ I have been avoiding with vigour, it came! Ridiculously, through a self-esteem podcast. They ran through the symptoms of a low self-esteem sufferer and, in all honesty, I thought they were just listing my thoughts and behaviours. Incredibly self-critical, not trusting your own judgment, relying on others to make decisions for you because you don’t have confidence that your choice has any worth, (What do you want for dinner? Panic!), and vastly generalising your thinking. I have a personal favourite I use – ‘I ruin everything’.
I have become trapped in a negative spiral because my thoughts make me behave a certain, self-sabotaging way, particularly in romantic relationships, and then, because I then get the results that my thoughts were based around (they don’t want to see me, be with me etc.), my fears are reinforced, when really, I should’ve challenged this thought in the first instance.
So. What now? Well, I am going to blog my way through this new venture. By doing this, I hope to help not only myself, but maybe even someone who is feeling the same. I’ll talk through my counselling, my methods, the ups and downs. And you lucky people get to hold my hand and walk with me through that door (if you wish, I’m not going to kidnap you to be on my wellbeing venture) and come with me whilst I woman up, take control and fix myself.
It’s about time.